ONE BREAST,TWO NUTS!

Please do not be appalled by my (rather) provocative title. That just has to be the first thing to appear as a proper update update... not another vague ambiguous erring on the emo side post...(the kind I actually hate to see on other people's blogs. Lol I am such a hypocrite). BUT THIS POST IS ACTUALLY GOING TO BE A VERY CANDID ACCOUNT OF VARIOUS.. Um, Happenings.

First up!

Mum's 3 PURITY TALKS!


Purity Talk #01: FBTs = Fatal/Female Body Temptation

How about I've been wearing FBTs at home since Sec3 when I chanced upon them and Ugly School Shorts found themselves left chucked at some corner of my closet, and suddenly The Mother comes around and tells me I am NOT to wear FBTs EVEN at home. I KNOW RIGHT - LIKE WTH, Now I've been reduced to the ranks of Lot's daughters. Nice. and i'm not stopping there. Below Thy Father in my list of ToBeSeduced comes Fred and Albert (Please don't ask why they have such strange names) from the construction site down the road.

This was due to the very unfortunate oversight of me walking to piano lesson (which is just a mere downthehill-turnright-crosstheroad distance away) in my LARGE size FootBallThailands (very thoughtfully chosen over the also wearable M & S sizes because of its relative shortslength:leglength decency; albeit garnering more criticism for it being too 'flare-y' when the wind blows)

Perhaps it was the exceptionally big Seres shirt i wore, making even the large boxy straightcuts appear minuscule. Either way, The Mother was convinced that I had one sole purpose in doing so = TO TEMPT THE LEAGUE OF LEARY CONSTRUCTION WORKERS along the dusty road to Piano Lesson with my svelte legs.

Hence she sat me down in some random coffee shop (where I was deceived into thinking we were going for a leisurely tea) and promptly crowned herself Guru Of The Shorts, one who had the honour of analyzing the shorts length of unsuspecting passers-by in the little neighbourhood of Ang Mo Kio Ave 3.

But MUMMMMMMMM! It's out of convenience! it's not like I purposely go out to tempt and entice the (miserable and undeserving) male species.


....


I know it may be unintentional..but when you see someone like that walking around, what kind of values does she reflect? Pure or impure?


BAH -.-''

And I was henceforth launched into a two-hour long analyzing-debate about the issue and about 90% of the passers-by failed the test. (and out of the 10% that did, about 98.9999% had legs that didn't even deserve to be shown off so...technically only 1.1111% passed the real test)


To cut the long story short, we finally compromised on the very agreeable statement of 'I will seek God on this matter and tell you in a weeks' time' (It works everytime) after outrageous suggestions along the likes of confiscating all my FBTs and making me wear sole-long jumpers 24/7.


Purity Talk #02: I listen to Demonic Songs.

When Mum was away in HK and BEFORE I got my sympathy ipod, I, being all pissed with that little chewinggumsized silver blob called the Shuffle (which cost me endless MRT rides browsing through about 200+ songs to find Gotta Go My Own Way...and 200 songs is still damn little!) decided to borrow The Mother's ipod Video. So I synced all my songs into this neat little playlist very appropriately labelled Joyce's Songs, Far Far Away and Cordoned off from the rest of the sacred world of Hymns and Don Moens. Such that when she came back I kinda was half-lazy and assumed-she-would-be-too-technolame-anyway-to-figure-out-that-I-synced-about-800-songs-tin ish, so I didn't delete the songs.

However, ONE FINE AFTERNOON, She said (in that forebodingly saccharine voice of hers: Joyce! Come, sit here I want to talk to you about something. INSTANT FREEZE, DOOM HANGS OVER LIKE A SHADOW, AND MY LIFE IS OVER are about 3 very apt phrases to decribe my feelings)

...Oh oh nooo ,dont' think that it's a bad thing that I discovered all your (demonic) songs! Think of it as a good thing rather, that the Holy Spirit prompted me to such a great discovery(teehee Tiff gets tickled everytime I say this)

She proclaims in triumphant declaration (Trumpet fanfare in the background)


And Mind You, the thing is she's never listened to any songs. However, based solely on their titles, she concluded the following: That I was listening to certain occult songs with titles like Vampire and Dead and bla sang by "funny bands... like what ah, Hell boy ah..The dark knights..." (which made me chuckle inwardly and make a mental note to self: get Mum The Dummies Guide to Differentiating Band Names and Currently Showing Movies for Christmas)

AND EVEN SONGS LIKE 'Dirty second hands' by Switchfoot was considered 'provocative' and 'dirty' (um mum a little help in Metaphors would do one good heheh)

But okay I should stop being an ungrateful bobo since I've got my Pity Pod (more on that later)

Purity Talk #03: I AM JADE SEAH

Whoohoooooooo. I am Jade Seah. Well, okay. As much as I'm honoured to be compared to the runner up for Ms Singapore, but in this context she ain't in a very enviable position. As most of you should know, Jade Unvulgar Seah greatly distressed the Singapore public by (apparently) muttering The Word whilst reporting LIVE for Olympics. and as you know, thy deprived Mother is convinced that as the sole 'youth' of the house (being under the age of 21 and generally malleable, rebellious and all things TEENAGER), yours truly is henceforth the Ambassador Of All Youths In Singapore.


AND SO SHE HAS DECIDED TO POUR ALL HER RANTS AND VENTS ABOUT "THE YOUNG NOWADAYS/YOUTHS IN SOCIETY BLABLA" (although JS is quite obviously above 21) ONTO WHO ELSE BUT THE UNSUSPECTING(sheesh, after 2 purity talks?NAH)... okay no, UNDESERVING ME!!

in my days ah, when i was your age, nobody knew what was masturbation... but nowadays ah, everyone speaks about masturbation so openly... tsktsktsk








Okay now on to more exciting things!
Such as.......



ONE BREAST,TWO NUTS!

(brace yourselves)






THIS POST'S TITLE WAS AN EXACT PHRASE UTTERED (YES, ! INCLUDED) BY THE GIVER OF THE PURITY TALKS!
HAH!

okay so basically Aunty Glory (my uber hip maid who doubles up as a traumatized victim of maid abuse in our PW) cooks some cashew nut chicken breast combination dish, but according to mum the chicken:cashew ratio is way too high. but NOOOOO, The Mother (quite unintentionally,ibelieve) has to use, um, rather equivocal terms.

" GLORY!!!! NEXT TIME PUT LESS BREAST AND MORE NUTS!!! OKAY?? HALF THE BREAST AND DOUBLE THE NUTS! ONE BREAST, TWO NUTS!!!"

HAHAHA.
I love my Mum :)
(although I don't always like her)


OF EXAMS.


First exam: PIANO.

Okay you guys are all going to kill me (especially those who gave me nice little condolences because I was about 75% sure I was going to either fail or get like something between 100-103)

So well because I was all emo and bobo about my piano and I kind of decided that well, considering my actions I really was undeserving of a pass, and I felt as though my punishment for NOT trusting God was that I was not going to be rewarded. You know,the whole "Without Faith it is impossible to please God" thing was starting to rub me in the wrong way. And then the whole I HATE MUM AND DAD BECAUSE THEY'RE BEING SO NICE TO ME BUT I KNOW DEEP IN THEIR HEARTS THEY'RE REALLY DISAPPOINTED AND THINK IM A GOODFORNOTHING SCUMBAG sets in (holy crap all emo-ity ends here)

AT MUM'S BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION (Read: NOT my celebration) I suddenly return from a plateful of chickenrice/laksa/nasibrani whatever (noooo... we did not celebrate at S11 or something like that, it was Straits Kitchen okayyy!) and to my surprise i see a neat lil package sitting on the table. and then i open it.

The waitress must've thought us absolute aristocrats by the way. Like some uber snob family that gives Ipods to their kids the way Mums give yakults to their kids. Well,whatever. What she doesn't know is that The Mother is Utilitarian to the U. Like everything is earned, not given. Laptop, PAY HALF. Handphone. PAY HALF. and the list goes on...

Just that she suddenly felt the mini epiphany that MAYBE, just MAYBE I wasn't feeling the unconditional love of God, to receive his blessings without earning it... so they decided to give me an IPOD CLASSIC WHICH STORES 20,000 SONGS :) which i think is awesome because I really have a mega phobia of touchscreens now (thanks to U700) so the nice handy dandy ipod is great. (which i've uploaded ANTM cycle 11 vids and Gorgeous tiny chicken machine show youtube vids into!!!)

Anyway, it turns out that I got back my results and I got 117!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Which is freaking awesome. although the examiner says i cldve gotten 120 (merit) if it werent for my nerves (i knew i screwed up BIG TIME when i stopped repeatedly in the first piece, played multiple wrong scales, and told him it was raining outside) .and omg i got full marks for my 2nd Schumann piece Traumerei which is is this emotive romantic dreamy piece that is the bane of my teacher's existence because I'm all stiff and awkward. irony indeed.



Second Exam: Promos!

Which is over!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Geog is my miracle. Seriously.
13 phys chps, i studied 3.5? WEATHERING & EARTHQUAKES CAME OUT!!! :)

I slept at like 12 and planned to wake up at 3 to mug human (which was left TOTALLY untouched) and lo and behold the next time I glanced at the clock it was a bleeding 6am!!!!!!! Screams pierce the air as a scarcely sane girl flips frantically through her notes while drinking carrot juice (with barley green + centrium + vitamin C + spirulina tablets + iron/calcium tablet shit... i have a little soya sauce dish with 7 tablets in it every morning)

Before assembly more flipping ensued with Angel Plan, New AP and New New AP being stored into little compartments of my brain at a rate of 1pg/10secs.